Boat in Distress!

TRUE STORY...seriously

Setting: 1983, Small lake in Missouri

Characters:
Me: 15 years old...totally self-conscious, prone to panic attacks and bouts of diarrhea from unnecessary public attention, mad because I'm out on a goofy boat instead of at home

My dad: Lacks the ability to switch into "public" and "private" mode at appropriate times, eccentric, not real agile.

The boat: A blow-up motorized boat similar to the kind Jacque Cousteau used in his shows. Yeah...that kind.

We arrive at the lake very early in the morning. The sun is just rising. We are waiting in a LONG line of boats to use the boat ramp. Except we're different.

Our boat is still IN our car, not on a trailer like everyone elses. And....it still needs to be blown up.

Finally its our turn to use the boat ramp to launch. Launch: v: to slide into the water. But what is this? We cannot lauch (slide into the water)....our boat is still in the bag! So while the 15 boats ahead of us took maybe 5 minutes each to dump and "launch"....the 15 boats behind us will not be so lucky ....no, this will not be THEIR day!

But....they will get to enjoy the humiliation and spectacle my father and I will entertain them with in the moments that follow.

"Grab the foot pump!"
"Huh? Foot pump? You don't have a battery one?"
"Hell no..foot pump works better....grab it!"

Gulp. 16....no 17 cars now behind us.

"Here it is...Here it is!", I yell running from the car.

"Great......unfold the boat and give me some space...this going to take a while."

Gulp....21 cars behind us. 5 cars have people opening their doors. My stomach makes a gurgling sound.

"So dad...this will take like....10 minutes maybe?"

"Hell no....more like 20-25...shhhhh!....I don't want to use my energy talking!" Stomp!pump!Stomp! Pump!........

I don't turn around again. I can hear car doors shutting. I hear the people talking. I try and will myself to turn into one of the pieces of grass next to the lake. Or a rock. Anything... but me...

My dads face is turning bright red...not from embarrassment...but from the exhertion.

"Want me to help?" Please say yes. Please. With the amount of adrenalin coercing through my body at this moment, I could have that sucker blown up in 10 seconds.

"Hell no...you're a girl!" he sputters. He's now violet and sweat is dripping off his forehead and onto his maroon windbreaker.

After what seemed like...oh I don't know.....4 1/2 hours........the boat was finally done. He just needs to move the car and oh.....would I sit with the boat?

"Uh sure". I sneak a peak at what looks like a line that could replace any traffic jam in L.A.

As he moves his car, the next car pulls down the ramp. The driver gives me a disgusted look as I swallow the bile rising in my throat. I give a sick smile and look to see if my dad is making his way back. He is. At...a...very.....leisurely....pace. Almighty Isis....change me to the form of a fish.

"Okay honey, you ready"

I say nothing as I climb to the front of the boat.....sorry...bounce to front of the boat. I crouch down like a lowrider into the rubber smelling vessel. My dad sits in back next to the small engine that the boat is equipped with.

"Here we go!" he shouts.

Thank God.

The engine hums its little Jacque Cousteau sound. I turn back and look at my dad. And catch a glimpse of the boat dock. Seems quite a few people have gone down to the dock to watch us depart. Some are waving. I wave back. Some are really waving. I wave again. And turn around.

"DADDDDDD!!!!!!!"
"What???"
"We are heading towards those stumps!" Sharp, pointy, boat- exploding stumps!
"Okay, okay...shhhhhh! I got it!"
"Dad, were almost on one!"
"I got it, I got it...the engine isn't letting me steer"!

He lets go of the engine lever and puts his hand out to brace the impact of the boat hitting the first stump. BUMP! The boat hits it. BUMP! The boats hits another. Its like a surreal game of bumper cars. Only I'm thinking, if the boat explodes will we be carried in the air, back and forth, like a cartoon all over the lake?

Dad reaches for another stump.
"Oh *&#@!"

What happens next is permanently burned into my brain. Please try and follow the next sequence of events. True events. Events that could only be seen in a "Three Stooges" show.

My dad had blurted this expletive because his glasses had fallen off his post-sweaty face and into the water. As he reaches to grab them....and yes...this did happen in slow motion......he falls into the water. I am now trying to see him AND keep the boat from now popping in what looks like a stump festival. I also catch a glimpse of the boat dock. Wha? It seems that in all the stump drama, I didn't realize we were so close to the dock still. In fact, I could easily count the now 50 people watching this slapstick comedy.

My dad emerges from the surface, sputtering and holding his glasses like he has just found a golden medallion.

"I got 'em!....I got the boat line too!"

Now what my father shouts out next caused every bit of my stomach acid to run through my bowels like a waterslide......

"BOAT IN DISTRESS! BOAT IN DISTRESS! BOAT IN DISTRESS!"

No one moves on the boat dock. And why, you ask?

We...are...in...3 feet ....of water!!!!!!!

I tell my dad to stand up as "kneel- walking" through water will only stretch out this torture.

He stands up and pulls me in the boat to the crowded lauching dock. I don't really remember what happened next. Its all a nauseating blur that my brain and bowels blocked out.

Blowing up the boat: 30 minutes
Boat ride: 5 minutes
Therapy: A lifetime