Loosen his pants immediately!!!

True.....seriously.

Back in the late 90's I was involved in a mystery dinner theatre production. I didn't have enough going on in my life. I suppose I thought that dressing up like a "crazy woman" in a play that performed at a steakhouse would give me some purpose. I think there was a free meal involved, which at the time was probably purpose enough.

This steakhouse was indeed interesting. I can only imagine that the decorators involved in creating the ambience in this restaurant said things like "Absolutely.....wicker butterflies are a MUST with that country heart- shaped shelf" and " No.....we need mooooooore fake burgundy and blue roses.....theres not enough on the walls and tablecloths...we must put them on the tables and restroom counters too!"

But, it had opened its doors to this theatre group who had been playing there for a couple of years. We were allowed to use the "banquet room" for our performances. I use the words "banquet room" loosely because although it was a large room for banquets, I can only imagine that anyone paying for a meal and entertainment in that room would have probably needed some depression counseling the next day. The flourescent lights used to light the room gave off such an unusual glow; it made everyone's face look ghastly gray. When the room filled with people, you could swear their faces were cut out of a newspaper picture. But again, this was a space in which to perform and as any actor knows, that can be in short supply.

And so many a Friday night was spent performing in the morgue- like atmosphere.

One night, however,was particularly memorable..... and disturbing.

Now, if you are a conneissueur of fine theatre like that staged at a steakhouse, you probably are familiar with the "mystery dinner theatre" format. If not, heres a basic outline:


First course is served (in this case, by the actors....how classssssyyy!)
1st act
Entree served once again by free labor.
2nd act
Dessert....yeah.you guessed it..it didn't walk out by itself.
3rd act

Okay, so thats how it played out most nights. Except this one.

We all were in charge of serving two tables. I happened to get the table that I believe was probably booked by the AARP. These jovial seniors were having a doozy of a time. Laughing at all the cheesy one- liners in the show, giggling at jokes said around the table by the various old timers, and guffawing hysterically at the clever things I would say as I lay down the various food items.

As this was a murder mystery, the "whodunnit" would be revealed in the 3rd act. Then everyone would laugh uncontrollably, and leave (some running, as the salad usually appeared to be "fizzing").

We were just finishing serving the desserts, when one of the old-timers (who been quite "randy" most of the night, the dickens!) got up from the table and faced me. He had an odd look on his face which I just figured was the half -cooked entree settling in. But he started to do something a little more strange. What looked like a classic "go-go shimmy" he was using to impress his wrinkled date, suddenly became more of a collapsing motion witnessed in teenage raves.

I grabbed his hands and being my "freakishly strong"self, was able to lower this larger man to the ground. He was grabbing his chest so I immediately thought "HEART ATTACK!".

I knew this was not the time for me to be a hero, especially in the bad wig I was wearing. I yelled "Its an emergency, call 911!!!!"

But....no.... one .....moved. The sound of clinging forks gooing through stale chocolate cake could be heard through the room. A couple of people glanced over and nudged their friends next to them....smiling.

What the? Why is...? OHMYGOD! They think its part of the show!

"This is NOT the show. This man is having a heart attack!!!!!! Do we have a nurse, or doctor?!!!!Someone please call 911!!"

Again, it seemed as though people were still surveying the situation....maybe making sure they weren't going to be involved in some bad...sick....totally inappropriate prank. And I believe some people still had some chocolate cake to gum down.

I couldn't wait anymore. Like a runner in a 50 yard dash, I raced through the annuls of my mind to remember anything about the CPR training I took in high school......15 years before.

But I could only remember one thing. Just one thing. One thing that haunts me to this day.

Now, I could have dreamt it once. I could have misinterpreted it when I heard it. BUT- I seemed to recall a step in the CPR process in which you were supposed to ...um...uh..... loosen the person's belt and pants. Yes- that's all I could recall in that terrifying moment being played out in a room with carpet smelling of garlic bread and spilled ranch dressing.

So that's what I did.

I opened the buckle on the man's belt, unfastened the button to his pants, and proceeded to unzip his pants. Thankfully, before I could inflict anymore humiliation on this poor man, someone in the audience yelled out that they were a doctor. Another a nurse. And I kid you not, another was a paramedic with his bag in the car.

I took a step back, only to notice that the entire cast that I thought may have been trying to get help, were standing there too. Staring at me. Watching me. Some looked puzzled. Some look horrified. I believe there was a digusted look too. And truly, I didn't know why.

I had really thought that I had done the "first stage" crucial to CPR. Saved a life. Made a name for myself. Showed the world that when trouble presented itself, I could take care of things.
But that wasn't going to be the case. Far from it. I would not being appearing in the Reader's Digest "Unsung Heroes" issue that year.

As the situation unfolded, I found out that the man was not having a heart attack, but a seizure. I then was informed he was on a "first date" with his lady friend. And last but not excruciatingly least, I did not have one ally in the school of the "loosened pants" technique.

The audience was ushered out a back door, stumbling over the the filthy crates that probably had held their rolls or meat, depending on the cook. I don't even think we revealed "whodunnit". But no one seemed to care. They had a better story now to share with their friends.

The show ran a couple of more times. And then like all good steakhouse performances, finally had to shut its doors to make way for another stale mystery show. But I will never forget that man. And hopefully he remembers me in a helping way.....unless he had a heart attack when he found out what I did.