They're back there.......

When I was young, my mother insisted I had flat feet. And since all feet looked flat to me....I had no reason to doubt her. I have since changed my mind now that I'm older.....but it's too late to change the memories that still haunt me about owning these two so called "paddles".

Every year my mother would take my younger sister and I shoe shopping. To my shoe-loving sister, this was a treat. To me...a useless waste of time.

You see, to my young mind, shoe stores were made for the beautiful, well-arched foot. We "flatties" were just mere annoyances to be chased off to small wooden tables in the back of the store. Tables that held a selection of three styles of shoes.

Brown with chunky heel and well- arched inner sole.
Blue with chunky heel and well-arched inner sole.
Light brown with chunky heel and...surprise!....a well-arched sole.

And thus it was....the annual ritual of picking out a milktoast color for a shoe and heading home. And while my sister tried her new sneakers and cute sandals on in the car, I chose to let them suffocate in the box a little longer.

But one year, it was different. One year, I was able to raise my head a little higher when I walked out.

I remember walking through the doors and heading back to my dull,chosen spot, while my sister pranced off to her rows of choices. As I got closer to the wooden table, I noticed something was changed. What was this? A fourth choice? No...it couldn't be! My step quickened.

I ran over and picked up the new shoe style. And while it was still a shade of brown, it had in all its glory, a cartoon character of an alligator imprinted on the side of each shoe! This must be a mistake! I looked around....no one was watching me. No one laughed and told me to put that back where it belonged with the "normal" shoes. No.....this was real! Someone had broken the flat foot barrier and instilled a little fun into the lives of children who had a less than perfect instep. And with a little cartoon no less! I was in heaven!

I threw my worn shoes into the bag and proudly wore my shoes out of the store and all the way home. Even my sister seemed a bit envious. And why not? It was a cartoon alligator!

That was the last pair of corrective shoes I remember getting. I wore those babies until they had no soles. Even the alligators scraped off over time. But I didn't care. Those shoes carried me whereever I needed to go.....in no time "flat".

Enough already!

I hate clothes shopping. There is absolutely nothing I like about it. I get more delight buying a fresh pack of Bubblicious than a new shirt.

Last week I went shopping for an event that my husband's work was hosting. A "hoopla" as it were. I had no "hoopla" clothes....so I ventured out to the mall.

I have some major issues with the clothing industry these days.....

1) When is the "peasant" look ever going to end? Unless I work in a head shop or am going to read someone's palm...this look is just plain ick. Yeah...its comfortable. I'll give it that. But unless I'm Stevie Nicks....where can you actually wear these clothes? And it wouldn't be so bad if it was just in the "juniors" section. But its taken over every department. Even the men's. That's just weird.

2) Has anyone in fashion noticed that most women, even teens, aren't sporting hard-bellies? Enough with the tight half- shirts. Girls are walking around looking like manatees stuffed into these shirts. And the low-rider, underwear- showing jeans with half belly tee combo ....please. That's not new or fashion.....You could have seen my dad in this 20 years ago.

3) Give me more examples of outfits! If you are going to create such odd-looking wear...at least let the public know how to mix and match....Garanimal it up! I admit it. I don't know what goes with what! I'm libel to sport some Jlo pants with a Golden Girls top....stop me before I walk out of the store!

4) And the prices....c'mon. I imagine cameras are set up around the store, with managers watching and laughing, as women buy ridiculously over-priced clothes. "Can you believe she bought that pair of pants for $100.00?". Laugh, laugh! "Look-she's actually taking that shirt up to the register and paying for it!! Giggle, giggle! "Hey....another half-belly tee just sold!....cha-ching!" : Why not just hand the customers a complimentary donkey head to wear when they walk in to the store? Like those cheap makeup bags, it too, could be "FREE- with any major purchase".

5) Finally....would it be advantageous to bring in some anthropologists into the fashion industry? Maybe they could let them know that lots of "juniors" have pudgy stomachs, "misses" can have small chests, and "petites" aren't all stumpy -legged women with fat behinds who love big, bold, flowered prints.

In the end, I found a pair of pants after 3 1/2 hours of shopping. I matched it with a shirt I already had back at home, some shoes I recently bought...... most importantly..... a fresh pack of gum.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow......

When I was young, my main chore was to be the pooper scooper at our house.

We had a normal size dog. A beagle variety. Normal. What wasn't normal was the amount of dung this animal could produce. You would think I was searching for treasure in my backyard with the amount of time I spent scooping and digging.

But one year I had a plan.

It was the middle of winter and the snow had begun to accumulate. We would often open the back door and let our dog do its "thing"(usually in one spot that was closer to the house...it was cold!!) It was then my job to go out with my trusty shovel and scoop said poop up. But I had had enough. It was bad enough having to do it on a sweltering day....but with bone-chilling temperatures and snow up to my knees.... This was enough! Snow up to my knees. Sheesh...Snow....up...to....my knees! Hey wait!

That was it! There would be no more scooping! I could just simply cover the offending piles with pretty piles of white, fresh snow! It was simple genius! And no one would be the wiser. (mwuuuhaahaaaaaahahaha!)

As the days went by, my disposition was always one of cheerfulness when asked to do my said duty. No more "Ahhhh mom....not now!" or "Crud.....can't I do it tomorrow?". When asked I would gladly put on my coat, hat, mitten, sweater, boots, and scarf and then head out into the frigid cold. Moments later I would return. Still cheerful. Still unscathed. Still a genius!

But as the frigid weeks began to come to an end....I saw my plan had a serious flaw.

I had not figured out what to do when a thaw would come along. I naively (or creatively) thought that maybe somehow...well.... the snow would dissolve the rascals like acid during that time. But it was not to be. I watched in slow horror as the snow melted and began to give clues to my evil winter deed. Each one of those beauties was so perfectly preserved from the snow and ice, it would have made National Geographic proud.

I thought I had gotten away with the perfect crime. Rid myself of a hideous chore. Gave myself a small bit of freedom. To the contrary, my parents were absolutely mortified to see that in one portion of our yard, we had enough fecal matter to give a small, third-world country methane energy.

As I went out with a backhoe to clean up my mess, I looked up at the graying sky. It was beginning to snow. A tiny, perfect snowflake landed on my nose. And a single tear streamed down my cheek. I finally knew the true meaning of winter.

Okay..that last part didn't happen. Except for the tear.....but that was from my eyes watering from the smell.

Just a little list....

I feel its time to update people on the use of manners.

1. Say "thank you". Plain and simple. Whether its for a gift or because someone has opened the door. I double-checked, and as of today, we have no royalty in this country. I am not a peasant destined to let YOU go before me in traffic or pick something up that you dropped out of your purse. I am trying to be kind and considerate. The least you could do is say two words....thank and you. That's it. (Insert your first practice "thank you" for this advice here)

2. Say "excuse me". Plowing into someone, stepping on a foot, passing gas, burping, sneezing on someone's arm.....all good reasons to say this. Of course, the words have taken on of more of a thug appeal with the "Excuse me??".......so be careful how your influction works. And while its been more than 30 years....Steve's "Excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!" is still a little over the top in most social situations. And leaving me standing alone at a party to go talk with someone more interesting in another room will always be rude whether you say these fine words or not.

3. Say "please". I realize we are in a society where everything is fast,fast, fast. But chopping this word off of your sentences,people, will really not buy you that much time. In fact, I could probably be so bold to say that the food service industry, especially servers, would probably bring your food within the desired bacterial limits if you didn't take the words "food order" so literally. I'm not implying that any server would ever make someone's food unfit to eat for being rude...that would never happen.

4. Don't put your purse on places where people eat. Yuck. My purse has seen likes of many floors, counters, and shopping carts......many being "party central" for most of your human secretions. And while I would like to think that everything I own is perfectly sanitized, when you put your purse up on the table at a restaurant, you might as well have put your shoes, underwear, and child's dirty diaper up there with it as well. At least I'll know not to order the finger food appetizer.

5.Learn to observe body language. Just because you trap me in a corner at my desk, doesn't mean you can ramble on about your mother's garden for 20 excrutiating, ear-bleeding minutes. When I look at the clock, , look over your shoulder like there's something important coming (like a tsunami), or turn around and face my computer....that's a signal that "your times up.....thanks for playing!" I should not hear you comment on the picture of my aunt on my desk, my plant that is dying, or the type of candy that I have in my Garfield candy dish. I should hear the pitter- patter of your shoes leaving for your next victim.

Thank you for reading this.

Questions....

1)Why do some women wear those huge fake long,long nails? And why do they all work in the food industry?

2) What does a tattoo look like when its been on a woman's buttocks for 60 years?

3) Do you think some twenty-year olds walking around are really robitrons? Like the ones that don't smile, blink, or say "thank you" when you have held open the door while balancing coffee, books, and a heavy stack of files.

4) How do I have twenty bazillion channels of cable movies and the only ones I stop and watch were made from 1985-1987?

5) Who are the people buying the beat-up dirty looking pants at stores? Are they also dirty- looking underwear consumers?

Just asking.......